"It looks wild and wanton and they’re getting warm." "Once I got up it was nice on top." "Is Creamoff related to President Karimov of Uzbekistan?" "Useless, your bottom is different." "Different from what?"

We were in Wadi Hof for Hash 1413, a long way in, near the cemeteries, the Hash pool team having snatched a spectacular defeat from the jaws of victory at the Helopolis BCA on Wednesday night. We hadn’t used this site for quite some time. Rudie and Idiot set a Hash here some years ago — your scribe’s showing his age now! Useless was with the runners on this beautiful warm afternoon, as we headed towards the cemeteries, soon encountering a running cheque with three falsies off it. We then found the real trail and headed approximately southeast, crossing a side wadi, with Helwan visible to our right in the distance, and then climbing a steep cliff, joining the walkers on top for the first Czech. On the way, there’d been a back checc to help slowcoaches like your scribe catch up. Shortly after the first chekk, with a wonderful view looking north, Rudie had cooked up a long-short trail split. Your scribe was one of those who took the short option, running past the bunkers, as we then started veering back towards home, pausing near a side road for the second Czech. At this point, after we’d been running for an hour, the back runners, your scribe et al, joined the walkers, making our way down a little side wadi westwards till we hit the road, continuing on it back to the RV, taking 1 hr 30 mins. Meanwhile, the really intrepid, diehard runners like Rudie, Dirty Little Red Cheeks, Tit Tat and Good In Bed, went the whole nine yards, taking 1 hr and 50 mins to complete the run.

Hugh J. Nuss launches the Circle, punishing firstly a huge bunch of visitors, including the following: Mark; Fred from Minnesota; Mike the doctor, Mary, his wife, also a medic, specialising in venereology; Tom Bruce, Dirty Little Cheeks’ boss at Pride International who sponsored the 2007 Hash Tea shirt; Nancy, a teacher; Mike, househusband to Nancy; Erren, a journalist from Virginia; Randall Travis, who writes for a local magazine called Enigma; Mostero from Italy; Mostero’s beautiful Egyptian wife, Reem, who works as a social worker; Karen, a Seattle girl; Joseph, also from Seattle; Sean, a plastic fittings manufacturer; Colin, a 34-year-old IT dude from Tasmania, who’s busy travelling round the world; and Aden, the Songfrau’s brother from Hobart. We give this mighty crowd a blast of ‘We Could’ve Seen the Pyramids’. Next, the Hares receive brewskis, followed by a dude called Gary (Athletic Supporter’s new boss), Nabil and two AUC dolls. We sing them ‘We’re the Hash House Harriers’.

Over to Herr Hund — his wife had lost a pair of blue scissors while setting the walkers’ trail today. He’d offered a reward of a tin of beer for anyone who found them, but no-one did so he gets to drink it himself. I must remember that one. Anyway, he calls up AUC doll Yasmeen for a bevy, along with Hani our photographer, The Mystical One, Piet (works for Shell, Herr Hund’s rivals and gets the Pisser) and Colin (who works for Apache). We also give them a verse or two of the ‘Titty Song’. Over to Frau Hund, who punishes this week’s non-signers-inners: The Dude, Useless (!), Mostero Mancini and his beautiful wife (she’d gone to do wee wee), Omar, Yoga Meyer (gets the Pisser) and Terry (not Hacker). Back to Herr Hund, who invites Pussywig to partake of a brew, as he works for Apache, which sponsored the Bahriya Tea shirts with Good To The Last Drop’s wonderful design. Over to Rudie Yard, who asks those folk without Hash Tea shirts on to indulge in refreshments: Baldero, Tit For Tat, Smack Ass, Mary, Kareem and Boy Crazy (the gorgeous Sherine), while Erin and Beth, who are wearing Hash Tea shirts join them. We sing ‘We’re the Hash House Harriers’ again, this time with a wee bit more gusto.

Mary qualifies for another brewski, being kept company by Should’ve Been Blonde, whom we present with a well-earned 100-run Tea shirt. Meanwhile, Tassie Teaser, Alpha B and Good In Bed advertise the Hash Song Book that they put together with Castrati (she’s already gone home) and costing LE20. We give them a blast of ‘Why Were They Born?’, before Frau Hund gets to drink again, after which the raffling starts with Athletic Supporter inviting Trish to pull a ticket. She does so and selects Dirty Little Brat, who sweeps the gin, before Sean zeroes in on the pornogra and Henry Bruce snatches the red Martini. And now for something very important, with Moustafa handing on the smelly galabiya to Andy, while Useless hands on the Underpants Cap, donated by Matthew Kleinosky, to Boy Crazy. It’s a bit big for her head, so Underdeveloped gives her one of Little Bruiser’s nappies to put underneath. They have d-ds with Omar, while Moustafa and Andy drink again for drinking out of their right hands. Dorito now gets hauled up for injuring her leg on the Hash last week and the doctor’s wife puts a plaster on it.

We furnish Mother Pucker and Tassie Tarantula with sherbs, as they’re soon to leave us. Nor was Mother P wearing a Hash Tea shirt today. The glamorous Athletic Supporter now asks Gary to draw another raffle winner and it’s Janice who picks up a case of Saqqara, while Grubby Little Cheeks gallantly demands a redraw and Patricia (? — can’t read my writing) grabs the second case of Saqqara. Spoil Little Brat gallantly demands another redraw and Mary Fran herself comes into possession of a case of diet ‘Coke’, while Mr Henry and Sean gallantly demand a redraw and Useless lands the other case of sodas! Finally, Tit Tat, Underdeveloped and Mystic Meg announce the heavily subscribed Moon Beach Hash towards the end of May, while Brain Dead reminds us that there’s a musical bash at the Rugby Club tonight. Frau Hund is also invited to imbibe, along with Good In Bed, who explains that Hash 1414 will be held in the Protectorate at 4pm — yes the clocks change on Thursday night. After ‘Schwing Lowe’, about 20 of us enjoyed the buffet at Dragon House, while the real diehards repaired after that to the Rabbit Club. On-On!!

Older scribes can be found here http://www.cairohash.com/docs/old