Useless does this, so he can hold hands with all the girls." "All those ladies who'll need presents from me on Valentine's Day. How am I going to manage?" "It took a long time to get it up, er get up it." "Let's try and push it in anyway." "Nadine thinks only nudists should have down-downs." "Is that Sakkara a urine sample?" "You’re just taking the piss."

We were in the Protectorate again for Hash 1454, at a new site on the left, a little past the broken-down hut. There was still quite a lot of water around, after it had chucked it down the previous Saturday morning. The runners' trail took them east down the wadi, then up the southern cliffs, before they came down again, crossed and ascended the northern cliffs. Surprisingly, the run took only about an hour, despite the fact that the Hares took nearly three hours to set it. Admittedly, there was a mutiny towards the end, due to all the falsies. Anyway, Adam, Rota and your scribe spearheaded the walking trail, as we headed up a really steep section of the northern cliff, with some of the dog owners wisely coming down while only halfway up and taking a stroll up the wadi instead. It was lovely weather as we paused for a checc on top, before heading eastwards along the clifftops to the second cheque. Then we had a really Harey scramble back down onto the wadi floor for the third Czech, before heading back to base. The walk took about an hour and 10 mins.

Spoilt Little Bratwurst ignites the Circle, punishing the visitors: Anne from Southampton, working at the Maadi British School; Luc from Belgium who works for German TV and his wife, Lorence, a French psychologist, Mario (a Brazilian lawyer) and Doreen, Kate plus mama from Duesseldorf. In fact, Luc and his wife had already skeddadled, but we sang ‘We Could’ve Seen the Pyramids’ to the others. Cool wig, Mario! And now the Hares get punished, with Useless receiving the Pisser. The walk was described as tough and the run rather scary with all those FTs down vertical cliff faces. Spoilt Little Bratwurst and Joerg are furnished with brewskis, along Tit For Tat (didn’t shout ‘On On’ on the runners’ trail), Barbie’s Squashed Balls (gets the Chain of Pain from SLB for that cool trail) and the Sheriff of Nottingham (he’s still here!), who spotted Nipple Twister running on the walker’s trail. Over to Bad Lay, who calls on all the Hares to indulge in more refreshments, as Barbie’s Squashed Balls managed to lock himself out of his house this morning, while Useless and Rota started their day with hearty glasses of vodka and orange at the ACE. Yal Dab himself gets the Pisser, before welcoming back Daphne (she went to the Oktoberfest in Munich in September and says the dolls there were hotter that Egypt’s nuclear programme); Cream Off (welcome back from his musical excursion to Windy City, Hogtown and the Big Apple); and Marie-Belle (who enters the Hash Hall of Shame for not bringing Shakira back with her in her luggage for Bad Lay — forget the cocaine!). We give these good citizens a blast of ‘We Go Hashing’.

And now for this week’s quiz, with Yal Dab asking us the names of the six dudes who’ve played the part of James Bond in the movies. SLB, Wendy the teacher (not Not In The Mood), Cream Offski, Joerg and Cookie (says Dave Niven played the role) all get called up for their excellent answers. Thanks for Nipple Twister for helping on the beer-pouring front. More ‘Bondies’ are provided with Sakkara next: SLB again (gets the Pisser), Over The Fanny, Mario, Patrick, Barbie’s Squashed Balls, Cock Tamer and Paul. We sing them ‘We Go Hashing’. Ken Davies stays up (as it were) and gets the Pisser for drinking out of his right hand, along with Cream Offovich again, SLB, Joerg’s wife and Cock Tamer. We sing them the ‘Tweakers Song’ (bad handwriting again). After that, everyone who has lived at least a year of their lives in Africa (apart from Egypt) is invited to have a drink: Frank, Ted, Stuart, Pussy Wig (Libya), Useless (Libya), Rota (Sudan), Over The Fanny (gets the Pisser) and Uncle Wes (Kuwait). The Sheriff of Nottingham gets the Pisser which he accidentally spills during the singing of the jogging song, so Tit For Tat and Nipple Twister fill that baby up again.

And now a beautiful girl starts a bit of the old raffle extracting, drawing Misha (takes one of the mystery bags) and a dude called Alan (obtains the case of Sakkara). Joerg’s wife is then selected and she grabs the Malibu, before herself extrapolating Wendy (not Not In The Mood), who confiscates another of the surprise bags, while another attractive doll pulls Rock Star and Paul (both snaffle mystery bags). And now an important procedure, namely punishing Stephanie for not signing in. Our Steph is joined by Where’s My Package? (picks up a fab 25-run patch), Alpha B (is presented with a super Tea shirt for knocking out a staggering 150 runs), and the ever-popular and smiling Incomplete, on this his last Cairo Hash before heading off to Abu Dhabi to run up a new office block — just a modest affair, only 74 storeys. Toby is then joined by lots of beautiful Hashettes — Should’ve Been Blonde, Melts In Her Mouth’s wife, Rota, the Siberian Sex Bomb, Stephanie are more — as we sing the new Hash song, ‘Pretty Hashite’.

The hooch continues to flow, as Cock Tamer announces Spreads Easily’s forthcoming thespian exploit, namely performing in the ‘Flavour Project’, being held presently in Zamalek. Who knows — she might dabble in a bit of the old bellydancing to dazzle the punters. And now for something else of great significance: the naming of our two new Hares, Rota and Adam, who, by common acclaim, get christened with Sakkara, Aqua Fina water (bottled under licence from Pepsi) and the sands of the golden Protectorate She Comes Quietly and Get Your Hair Cut. And finally Putin Out announces the On-On at a new venue, Pub 55, located in a beautiful villa near ‘McDonald’s’ in Road 9. She is joined for a sherbet by SLB (Pisser), and Stephen and Paul (Tweedledum and Tweedledee). On-On!!

1. New Smelly Galabiya: Marie-Louise
2. Old Smelly Galabiya: Andy
3. Magic Lantern: Little Dina
4. Toilet Seat: Spoilt Little Brat
5. Chain of Pain: Spoilt Little Bratwurst
6. Underpants Cap: Wing Nut On-On Useless

Older scribes can be found here http://www.cairohash.com/docs/old